Why Narcissists and Borderlines Fall In Love


The Tendencies Narcissists and Borderlines Share, Differ and Are United In: [Women tend to be Borderline and men tend to be Narcissists]

  • Narcissists (NPs) enjoy being understood
  • Too much understanding frightens Borderlines (BPs)
  • BPs have extreme openness and vulnerability
  • Passion and intense emotions are livening to narcissists because they have deep emptiness resulting childhood neglect that stops them from experiencing their own livening emotions
  • Borderlines need boundaries to snap out of delusional thinking
  • Narcissists only have friends who are either better them (envy) or friends who are worse (to put down and feel better about their own sense of self)
  • BP’s have a fragmented sense of self and moods shift quickly (departure from their normal self, what you see is the norm of a BPD)
  • including fragile, shame-based self-image (sometimes non-existent feeling)
  • Seeking advice from several people about the same people the same day (dependent on others)
  • Paradox (need for love) and hyper vigilant for any real or imagined signs of rejection or abandonment
  • Sensitive to real or imagined abandonment (intense emotions awaiting rejection and even when it isn’t there, you overreact to it whether you are rejected or not)
  • BPs act out when they get close to others
  • BPDs perceive that there must be wrong with any body or organisation who wants them
  • Sensitivity to infra-ray signals
  • BPs do not believe in the past or future- only right now- so they act spontaneously and expect others to do so with them
  • Smallest signs of abandonment or rejection means total destruction of relationship
  • Trust is an issue for bp’s (trust issues leads to distortions of reality and paranoia)
  • BPs brainwash and emotionally manipulate (flattery and seduction in a relationship to control)
  • Seeking stable codependents to help with changeable emotions (NPs provide a perfect match because they give a false sense of controlling feelings)
  • Melodrama of BP vicariously livens the life of NPs (thus caretaking)
  • NPs are seduced by extreme vulnerability and openness of BPs (caretaking)
  • NPs find being alone depressing or experiences healthy people as boring
  • BPs have poor boundaries (apoligising when attacked to hand over control)
  • Giving in to BPs can make them feel the opposite of safe (control) instead it makes them feel unsafe
  • Emotional centers of brain overpower logical centres of BP brain
  • BPs make good poets, and ADD’s make good analytical thinkers (both are good at abstraction because they do it so often with themselves)
  • BPs heal through structure, calm communication and knowing that they are cared for
  • BPs use underhanded methods to covertly influence others to achieve ulterior  motives (manipulation feels familiar due to childhood)
  • BPs compare negatively to rally imaginary allies against those who they  manipulate
  • BPs often act as though something is agreed or decided upon in order to ignore any objections or input you have about their underhanded assumptions about your intentions (foot-in-the-door)
  • BPs can easily manipulate by acting as the injured party (turning tables to gain control- making your emotions about them and their complaints in order to make you look like the defensive party and not them) and voice fake concerns to undermine your decisions and confidence in the form of warnings or worry about you
  • BPs often end up in abusive relationships or with narcissists and sociopaths

    “You’ve been engulfed in an insane, hyper-emotional ride where spewing sheets of scalding lava alternate with warm, soothing baths of emotional saccharine. Life itself will have become a series of whipsawing emotional extremes, between his clinging adoration and hateful spite”

  • Both BPs and NPs incur similar types of wounds to their developing sense of self (hence mutual attraction)
  • NPs are ‘super-givers; who avoid authentic intimacy and closeness, given their engulfment fears, proximity from merging attachment issues remains a non-issue for them (both don’t need commit authentically to each other)
  • NPs and BPs trigger highly explosive episodes in each others lives
  • NPs are no match for the BPs (in terms of power hierarches)
  • NPs have an unquenchable need to win due to self worth issues (unwillingness to go to therapy compared to BPs willingness)
  • NPs tactics work against them (fighting to death)
  • BPs have better tactics in manipulation games
  • NPs feel shame from disappointing others (parents)

    A Narcissistic perfectionist believes; “If I feel bad in a relationship, it must be my fault.” The Borderline believes; “If I feel bad in a relationship, it has to be your fault.”

  • BPs always have ‘one-up’ in the relationship
  • Endless cycle between NP and BP where BP rages or retreats and NP attempts to ‘fix’ the relationship (in order to avoid shame)
  • Respective pathology draws NPs and BPs to each other
  • Proximal exposure to BPs causes adoptive psychotic symptomology (mutual dysfunction) NPs and Bps make imparied partners
  • Similarity between core loathing or insecurity (for most of life)

    “You can surely imagine two individuals trying to navigate their environment in wheelchairs, but it could get pretty challenging in cramped quarters Core disturbance damages hub of wheel (creating negative emanation) and under any strain, the wheel is weak and susceptible to being compromised” [for both BPs and NPs]

  • NPs compensate for loss of core self-worth deficit through rescuing, fixing compulsions, athletic, scholastic, professional charisma/charm, amassing material wealth
  • Bp compensates for core deficit through well-worn ability to seduce
  • Both borderlines and narcissists associate love with painful longing (closeness and engulfment fears)
  • When their intense craving for love is met, painful sensations they’ve come to interpret as loving feelings, evaporate. At this point, the Borderline feels bored or annoyed, and pushes away. With healthy/whole partners who need continuity of loving feelings, the Borderline feels emotional claustrophobia, which compels her to disrupt episodes of authentic intimacy between them. The Narcissist responds to his need for distance and autonomy, by selecting unavailable BP lovers who won’t trigger his engulfment fears.
  • Bps people please and have codependency issues
  • Nps Bps relate difficult/dramatic feelings to ‘love’
  • Nps need distance and autonomy
  • Nps are addicted to sensations of borderline drama (obsessional attraction)
  • Nps cannot painfully yearn for someone who is present and available
  • Bps are not present and available and can cushion Nps engulfment fears
  • Bps can because healthier through core-focused assistance 

    “Both Bps and Nps strive of stimulation, whether painful or pleasurable. NPs especially depend on this stimulation from Bps to trigger feelings aliveness that Nps cannot produce themselves, thus Bps tend to have an upper hand in coupling, but both have anxiety and outbursts due to the Bps rages and retreats”

  • Nps look outside of relationship for more excitement or create disharmony when he is feeling worthless
  • Bps awaken pain that np learned to adapt to (stimulation)
  • BPs are chameleon like- discerning quickly what is important to you and they become that
  • Bps change when in relationships with Nps – revealing just enough to get the np hooked while np yearns for person np initially fell for
  • Bps awaken Nps sense of grandiosity

    “A Narcissist may need to be needed, but he can’t allow himself to need anyone. Sexual dependency on someone brings up deep fears about loss of love and control, and here’s where his distancing maneuvers can kick in”

  • BP’s imagine abandonment (even where none exists)
  • BP and NP coupling is sexually intoxicating (not safe)
  • Nps are often passive aggressive (blackmailing) because of their need to
  • people please
  • NPs are more comfortable giving them receiving in relationships which
  • is part of a control issue they adopted during childhood in response to parental neglect
  • Bp is the active partner in the dynamic (more needy/like a child/impulsive)
  • Np does not feel worthy of needs- so surpasses them (passive partner)
  • Bps rebels to boundaries and thrives off chaos/drama- but requires limits and boundaries.

Remember folks, ultimately the one who needs the least is always the one in power.


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