Letter to my Old Self

You are so intoxicating, you are so enough. I am sorry that I did not love many parts of you, and that I was at war with you for so long. I was afraid of you. You are so much everything. But you are far too kind and you let the jealous, selfish punks pull you down. You trust too easily and abandon even quicker. I’m sorry that I did not learn all your edges, and that I put you through endless suffering. You were so patient through all the self-sabotage. You were so present to the whirlwinds inside of you. I know that it hurts when you can’t make others happy, but you need you more than you need them. Thank you for being so unapologetically you and living free from guilt, fear, shame or doubt. You are so full. I am impressed by how responsible you are with yourself, and how you will go to any lengths in order to save yourself. I cannot believe how carelessly you walk through the fire, almost flawlessly making pain a safe home for yourself. Even when you felt disassociated from the rest of the living world, you cradled yourself and never forgot that aloneness is all we really have to heal. Thank you for fighting for me and making me a priority. I never felt alone with you.

I watched you love and lose, and I also witnessed you committing yourself to risk and reward. The lessons always feel like they were meant to be experienced the hard way you live by Murphy’s law. I am proud of your integrity, and your immeasurable resilience, as well as the way you carry yourself through the chaos. I just wish you knew how sacred you are, and how many energy vampires there are out there seeking a percentage of the light you have. They don’t need to like you. Respect is worth far more than being liked. I know you don’t care about backlash, but be more sensitive to those around you who have not opened the gates of enlightenment towards a path of attainment. Not everybody else has to be like you. And absolutely everybody will teach you something that you do not know. If you live your life through labels and judgement, you will never know the joy of just being. You are noneity and if you learn to start all your endeavours from a  place of non-expectation, you will experience far less disappointment. Accept and let be. If somebody is scared of you, that is their problem. It is not your duty to cradle everybody else’s sensitivities.

Make yourself number one. There is everything to gain from self-security. Stop giving your power away to strangers. Maybe he loves you, maybe he doesn’t, it all amounts to the same thing. You are not always right. It’s not always about being right. The best thing you can offer others is understanding. Being an active listener is about more than just listening, it is about reciprocating and being receptive to somebody else. Everybody has woes. Nobody is safe from pain. However, we all suffer in different ways. So learn to adapt to each person, know your audience and reserve yourself for people who have earned the depths of you. Life is a useless passion, an exciting journey of a mammal in survival mode, each day is a miracle, a blessing unexplored and the more you immerse yourself in light, the less you will feel the darkness. There is more to life than nothingness. And cynicism. And nihilism. And selfishness. And glorious isolation. Be selfish with yourself, but live your life through your immortal acts. Acts that engrain your legacy into humanity. Transcend your fears and follow yourself into the void, instead of letting yourself get eaten up by entropy and decay. Freedom is being yourself without permission. Be soft and leave a lasting impression on everybody you meet. Guilt is a waste of time. Become a mystic. You are not as lost as you think you are.

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